Don't Go In a Monkey Cage Wearing a Fruit Suit

This morning I suggested to my husband that, in a sense of self preservation, it would probably serve him well to learn the difference between "Grouchy Janae" and "Tired Janae" because nothing snaps me out of tired and to grouchy (and beyond) than being asked, "Why are you so grouchy this morning?"

My husband and I do not usually spend much quality time together in the mornings. I get up first, get ready for work, wake our son up, lay out his clothes for the day, and leave. My husband gets our son ready for school and drops him off. It's taken a few tweaks to the routine to make it seamless--most recently, we started making our son shower in the mornings to help wake him up, and that was the final piece to the puzzle. Now things run smoothly, we all leave the house with smiles on our faces, sun on our cheeks, birds chirping good morning, and all that whatnot.

That's all fine and good Monday through Friday, but what about on the weekends? I think my husband has forgotten that I am not a morning person. It takes me a long, long time to wake up in the mornings and become human. He should talk to my co-workers. I'm better than I used to be, but I still enjoy a cup of coffee or a diet coke before engaging in meaningful conversation. My body might be moving, but my brain is lagging behind.

This morning, my sweet husband was frantically trying to get out of the house to go play golf in the rain. I was trying to get myself awake before our 9 AM play-date arrived. While I was making breakfast, he started asking me questions. My brain wasn't ready to engage in my normal witty banter. I gave him yeses and nos, and I was otherwise quiet. Then he asked the inevitable, "Why are you so grouchy this morning?"

Let me tell you people of the world (or my three friends who read this blog), that is a stupid, stupid question. Stupid. And here's why:

Scenario 1: The person is in fact grouchy. Approaching a grouchy person in a confrontational manner is like walking into a cage of hungry monkeys wearing a fruit suit. The "grouchy" person in question is probably going to jump on your back and pick you apart until there's nothing left but a whimpering huddled mass, crying in the corner.

Scenario 2: The person is tired and just feeling quiet. Assuming that someone is feeling or thinking a certain way is a dangerous hobby. Verbalizing your assumption is just plain reckless. People generally rise (or lower) to meet the expectations of those around them. See Scenario 1 for the results.

Either way, you're gonna get attacked by monkeys flying at you in all directions.

I'm sure, deep inside me, there's a bit of regret for turning into the crazy, monkey lady. I hope by the time he gets home I've found the sweet part of me again.

But mostly, I hope that the next time he says, "Sweetheart, is something wrong? You don't seem your usual self this morning." I can turn to him with a smile on my face and say, "I'm fine...just starting a little slow today." And we can laugh quietly together, with the sun on our cheeks and birds chirping nearby.