The Paradox of Responsibility

I made my son cry tonight.

This in and of itself is not news, because he usually dissolves to tears at least once each evening. In fact, I was expecting him to be upset about the news I had to tell him. I was prepared to explain, sooth, and make it all better, as mommies do. But, leave it to my sweet pea to throw a wrench in it...I guess I should start at the beginning.

Lately, we've been trying to be careful about the way we spend money. My husband would tell you that I haven't been trying very hard, but the truth is, we've cut down on most of our extraneous purchases...like drive through TCBY on the way home from work and eating out every meal on the weekends...I've also cut back on some of the crap we usually have in the house...there are no flavored potato chips in my pantry nor ice cream in the freezer. And, most significantly, I've only ordered one book from Amazon this month, and I've been to the library twice!!

When our son asks us about these things, we tell him that we're trying to save our money...we don't want to have to take extra money out of the bank to pay for things we really don't need. I've wondered what he makes of these messages...usually the instant response is just frustration that we can't hit McDonald's to get the latest and greatest in McCrap-Toy.

Today, I went out to lunch with my co-workers. When it was time to pay the bill, I realized that I didn't have my wallet. After borrowing $15 from one of the other ladies, I pulled out the Spider-man wallet I've been toting around for the last few days. Someone casually mentioned that my son was probably squirreling away more money than the rest of us combined.

I ripped open the Velcro lock, and low and behold, $15. I quickly handed it over to my co-worker, knowing that I could stop by home after work and zip to the bank to replace the money before picking him up.

It wasn't until later this afternoon that I realized he was probably going to be upset about it. Don't get me wrong. I knew that I needed to replace the money. I mean, who wouldn't be upset if they opened their wallet to find all their cash missing. But I started thinking about how much he likes his things, just the way they are, in his particular way. I knew that he would probably realize that the cash in his wallet was not the cash he put there.

When we got in the car, I turned around and looked at him and said, "Hey buddy. I went out to lunch today, and when it came time to pay, I realized I didn't have my wallet. I borrowed $15 from your wallet. Don't worry, though, I stopped at the bank and got $20. I put the $20 bill in it's place."

He just looked at me like I was an alien. I didn't know what he was thinking, until we got home and he brought me the $20 bill. "Mom, you made the right choice to use my money. I don't want this $20. You keep it."

An argument ensued where I explained to him that when you borrow money, you pay it back. And that it's embarrassing that mommy wasn't responsible enough to have her wallet with her today.

I thought that was the end of it until he burst into tears and choked out, "But mommy, you took this money out of the BANK!! We don't take money out of the bank. We put it there to save it. I don't want this money."

I pulled him onto my lap and felt like a total jerk. Here my young son was showing me that not only had he been listening to what we've been saying about money, but our message has become so enmeshed in his thinking, that the thought that I would give him money from the bank was weighing on his heart. I held him close, and I whispered in his ear that I appreciated him being so thoughtful and responsible, but his money is his money...he's earned it or it's been given to him...and he didn't need to feel bad at all about keeping it.

It's such a hard lesson to learn as a parent. On the one hand, I want my son to learn that there is a lot of stuff out there that we just don't need to spend our resources on. But on the other hand, I don't want my son to be weighed down by this kind of responsibility at 7. It's going to be a big shift, changing our messaging to help him understand that money should be budgeted...we save some, we spend less, and everything's going to be okay.